Can I wear my mask and go to school now, Mommy? she said.
I cupped her face and rubbed her cheek.
Soon, I hope.
Now Halloween is here, and a new source of guilt has arrived. My children have been excited for over a month. Elsa wigs have been tried on and scary clown makeup has been practiced theyre ready. So what am I supposed to tell them this time?
The Centers for Disease Control and Preventions guidelines for fall holidays recommend homeowners place pre-wrapped candy in bowls at the end of yards to eliminate the need for door-to-door stops, which would increase exposure. Typical autumn activities like trunk-or-treats and indoor costume parties are considered high risk. What will I do on Halloween if no one around us listens? If house after house keeps their treats inside the front door, beckoning my kids to ring the bell? If friends gather, face to face and maskless, comparing costumes and candy hauls?
The greatest risk of this virus for me is its complications like pneumonia, sepsis or kidney failure things my weak heart would likely be unable to bear, but the greatest threats for my children seem to be social and emotional. On the rare occasion they see friends in person, I see their smiles and hear their laughter. I know how happy it makes them. Somehow, I have been left to weigh what will damage my children more, socially distancing from their mother not being able to hug me or cuddle when we watch a movie on a Friday night or missing out on fun with friends? I have to figure out if their emotional well-being is worth my getting the virus, while knowing that if I do get it and develop complications, theyll be left with the damage that comes from losing your mother this young. How on earth am I supposed to know the right answer?
I dont. And I dont know yet how Halloween will turn out. Right now, were planning on outdoor visits to friends and family and hoping trick-or-treating will be OK. If its not, if Im worried my daughters got too close or too many masks were missing, I can try to maintain physical distance from them at home. But this has already proven futile. That summer night when my daughter cried over school, I didnt hug her. She was already attending cheer practices (which are strictly six feet apart), and my doctor recommended social distancing, so I tried to soothe her with words instead. After she grew even more restless, I finally called her into my room, pulled her into my bed and wrapped my arms around her. Sometimes, keeping a distance from my own children is just not possible. Even if I were to do my best for two weeks after this holiday, Thanksgiving and Christmas will soon follow, with more opportunities for gathering.
High-risk parents are struggling with an agonizing situation every move we make seems to require an excruciating choice between our health and our childrens happiness. I hope that my neighbors and others will remember families like mine as this month comes to a close, but more so, that theyll think of us long after the costumes are packed away and the last of the candy is eaten. Because until there is a vaccine, this virus can kill me. And I want to be here, painting my kids faces and watching them run from door to door with autumn around them, next year and the one after and for as many years as I can.read more
As a High Risk-Mom, Halloween Feels Extra Tricky
