One of the perks of friendship is having someone to confide in, share your news with (both good and bad), and turn to for support. But sometimes, if may feel as though a friend thinks of you not only as their pal, but as their therapist as wellconstantly turning to you to listen to their problems, and, in some cases, offer advice or solutions.
And while it may seem like youre doing the right thing, ultimately, this arrangement isnt ideal for either of you. In an article for Well+Good, Minaa B., a therapist and mental health educator from New York City, discusses why a friend is not a replacement for a therapist, and how to set boundaries in your friendship, when necessary. Heres what to know.
You are not your friends therapist
If your co-worker or an acquaintance you saw frequently started talking to/at you on a regular basis with the expectation that youll listen, process what they say, and provide advice, youd probably let them know right away that the arrangement isnt working for you. But when its your friend who is struggling, its much (much) harder to say no.
As Minaa B. points out, were living at a time when were encouraged to speak openly about our mental health, including our setbacks. Although that is great, its also important to remember that not everyone is mentally equipped to take on and manage our own personal emotional struggles, she writes.
Its entirely possible to care about your friend deeply, but not have the energy or emotional bandwidth to provide them with the kind of support they want or need.
How to set healthy boundaries in your friendship
Here are three tips from Minaa B. for establishing necessary boundaries with a friend who treats you like their therapist:
Let them know that you have limits
Unless you tell your friend that you have limits as to how much emotional labor you can handle in the friendshipand that youve reached themthey probably wont know you feel that way. Sometimes, we wait for other people to figure out information that we have the power to share, Minaa B. writes. Be willing to communicate what your boundaries are.
Point them towards resources
Even though you cant act as your friends therapist, that doesnt mean you cant point them in the direction of information they may find helpful. If you do come across a resource that you think would be useful to your friend, Minaa B. advises using supportive language to reinforce the boundaries youve created while making the suggestion.
For instance, I realize that I dont have the insight to help or offer advice, and I really want to support you. I know of a resource called x and I think it would be great for you to consider reaching out to them for additional support, she writes.
Be honest with your friend (and yourself)
Unless youre a trained therapist yourself (in which case, you wouldnt take a friend on as a client anyway), as much as you mean well, theres always the potential that your advice could steer your friend in the wrong direction, or put them in a situation without the type of support they need. For this reason, Minaa B. stresses that its important to be honest both with your friend and yourself about these limitationsits in everyones best interest.read more
How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Treats You Like Their Therapist
